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¿Cómo Se Dice “Rooster Sperm” en Español?

4 Mar

I had a- I don’t know- um…. interesting conversation with my neighbor Maria yesterday. She’s a lovely woman who is very vibrant and I always enjoy speaking with her. I use the term “speaking” loosely, as she speaks only Spanish and I probably have the vocabulary of a two year old Hispanic toddler. This is how the conversation went:

Maria: Oh, I see you have some chickens.

Me: Yes.

Maria: How many?

Me: Four.

Maria: Any roosters?

Me: No.

Maria: You don’t need a rooster anyway. Let the hens sit on the eggs so you can have babies. Don’t take the eggs out of the coop and eat them. The hens need to sit on them.

Me: No, no babies. Need rooster daddy for to make the babies.

Maria: No you don’t. You just have to let the hens sit on the eggs for a long time. The warmth from their bodies will make the babies come.

Me: No. The Rooster is the “papa”. You need the “papa” for to make the babies. “Mama” is of the lady chicken and “Papa” is of the rooster chicken.

Maria: I think you are wrong. My mother has chickens, tons of them actually, and they have babies.

Me: Is her chicken house one of the rooster?

Maria: Yes, but only because he is beautiful. He doesn’t make the babies.

Me: Oh, ok. It’s possible.

It’s times like these I wish my tenth grade Spanish teacher Mr. Merril had covered terms such as, “immaculate conception”, “fertilization”, and “chicken sex.” I so would have aced that class.

Big Questions From Little People

17 Feb

This post was featured on the Studio 30 Plus magazine yesterday! How cool is that?  If you blog, and are 30 and over, then you need to join the coolest club in town. It’s just another reason why being in your thirties is awesome. Stop by and check it out!

Big Questions From Little People

Emma and I were driving the other day and singing along to one of her favorite kid songs “Found a Peanut”. I’m sure you’ve heard of it- it’s a classic. It goes like this: “Found a peanut, found a peanut, found a peanut just now…” And then continues on to the narrator eating the peanut, getting sick, dying, and then waking up only to realize the saga of the rotten peanut was just a dream. About thirty seconds into the song, this is what Emma says to me:

Emma: Mommy, why does Daddy have a peanuts?

Me: Ummm. Do you mean a penis?

Emma: Yes. Peanuts. That’s what I said.

Me: Well, he’s a boy and boys have penises.

Emma: I have a peanuts too.

Me: No. You have a vagina.

Emma: Why?

Me: You are a girl, and girls have vaginas. Boys have penises.

Emma: Why?

Me: That’s just the way we are made. Does Mommy have  vagina?

Emma: Yes.

Me: Does Annie have a vagina?

Emma: Yes.

Me: Do you have a vagina?

Emma: Yes.

Me: That’s right. We all have vaginas because we are girls. Daddy is a boy. What does Daddy have?

Emma: A peanuts.

Me: You got it.

Emma: But I don’t have a hole like Daddy. Daddy has a hole.

Me: You do have a hole. Yours is on the inside of your body and Daddy’s is on the outside.

Emma: Why?

Me: Because he is a boy and he has a penis, and you are a girl and you have a vagina.

Emma: Ok Mommy.

Omgomgomgomg. Can I just stop time, or reverse the clock? When did my baby turn into a little person who asks questions about peanuts and holes? She’s three, people. THREE!

In totally related news, I bought these last night:

Because I was raised by a hippie and a psychotherapist, these books had permanent spots on my nightstand. Did any of you have them too? I have to say, that seeing these again brought back very fond memories of learning about the birds and the bees. In fact, it almost makes me excited to start this new chapter in life. Almost. But not quite.

If you need to find me, I’ll be in the kitchen with my head in the oven.

How do you approach tough subjects with little people who have big questions? Am I on the right track here guys?

How to Add a Custom RSS Icon to Your Blog

25 Sep

A few weeks ago I wrote a post titled, “How to Add Pretty Social Media Icons to Your Blog.” It turns out, a lot of you bloggers out there like to exchange design tips. You know what? I do too!

So, I thought I would share another blog design tip that I recently learned: how to add a custom RSS icon to a blog. This was seriously hard for me to figure out. Just ask A Diary of a Mad Woman. She was my test dummy. The poor girl had to put up with me asking her every day if it was working yet.

I could not find simple online directions on how to add a custom RSS icon to my blog that properly prompted readers to sign up for an RSS subscription and looked pretty at the same time.

Well, after MUCH trial and error I finally figured it out. So, darlings, I am going to share what I learned. I am giving you the directions on how to do it in WordPress, but I know you are all very smart and will be able to figure it out on Blogger too. Here are the directions in a few easy steps:

1. Read my post, “How to Add Pretty Social Media Icons to Your Blog.” Follow the instructions on where and how to find cool icons.

2. Download and save your favorite RSS icon to your computer and then upload the image to your blog. There are instructions on how do do this under “Step 2” of the social media icon post.

3. Make note of the URL of your RSS icon image. I like to save mine on Word documents so I can reference them easily. 🙂

The URL should look something like this: http://YOURIMAGEURL.png

4. Set up a Feedburner account. It’s very easy. Just follow the prompts.

5. Make note of your feedburner URL. It looks something like this: http://feeds.feedburner.com/YOURFEEDBURNERNAME

6. Login in to your blog.

7. On your WordPress dashboard, look on the left hand side menu under “Appearance”. Click on “Widgets”.

8. Click and drag a “Text” widget (arbitrary text or html) over to the sidebar on the right.

9.. Inside the box add this code:

<a href=”http://feeds.feedburner.com/YOURFEEDBURNERNAME”><img src=”http://YOURIMAGEURL.png&#8221; alt=”subscribe via rss” /></a>

10. Click “Save” and close the box.

11. Go to your blog. Again, marvel at your genius. Or, again, rip your hair out because something doesn’t look right. If so, rinse and repeat.

That’s it. I hope it all went well! I look forward to seeing lots and lots of beautiful blogs with amazing custom RSS icons on them.

Happy Blogging!

How to Add Pretty Social Media Icons to Your Blog

16 Sep

I recently wrote a post about how I have joined a blogging workshop. Every week the participants have a writing assignment. This week’s assignment didn’t really apply to the kind of blog I have, so I made up my own. This situation kind of reminds me of high school, except this time I’m actually doing work and not just blowing it off. Mom and dad you can stop laughing now.

I love reading other blogs and admiring all the amazing design features that are out there. I especially love to see how people use and organize their social media icons. I think adding custom social media icons really adds to the overall feel of the blog, but I know that some bloggers don’t know how to find the icons or don’t know what html code they need to apply the feature to their blogs.

I am going to provide you all with detailed instructions on how to add pretty social media icons to your blog in a few easy steps. This is so easy that anyone (including myself) can do it. Here we go!

1. Find images of the icons you want to use.

I love iconfinder.com. This is an icon data base where designers share their artwork. You can search for icons based on sizes, you can change the background color for better visibility, and you can use the drop down menu to search for commercial friendly icons. You will want to use a commercial friendly icon if you make money from your site. This will save you a big headache in the future.

You can also do a google search for images. Try searching a term like “social media icons”. There will be a ton of images that pop up. There are always new and interesting social media icons, as designers are constantly updating their profiles.

Recommendation: Try to pick a social media icon that will enhance the design of your site. You want it to match a theme or a look that you have. You may even want to try a few out in order to find the right one.

Recommendation: If you are going to need icons for multiple social media websites, select group of icons with the same design. I personally think a blog looks more streamlined and professional when all the icons look the same.

2. Adding the social media icons to your blog.

  • Download the social media icon of your choice onto your computer.
  • Upload the icon onto wherever the pictures are for your blog. I use WordPress and this is how I do it: I go to my dashboard. On the left hand side menu under “Media” is “Add New”. Click on it. Then upload the image from your computer. Once the image is uploaded, you will see a lot of information about the image. Grab the URL for the image. Write it down. You will need it later.
  • Ready to write some html? I’m going to write the code for Twitter just as an example, but you can do this for any other social media site as well. Hang with me here. It’s not that bad.

The URL for your image should look something like this:

The URL for your Twitter account should look something like this:

http://www.twitter.com/yourtwittername

Use those two URLs in the following code:

<a href=”http://twitter.com/YourTwitterName&#8221; title=”Follow Me”><img src=”http://yourimageURL&#8221; alt=”Follow Me”></a>

Now, if you have WordPress, here is how you add that code to your blog. The directions for this are very similar for Blogger, except they have an html gadget.

  • Go to your dashboard.
  • On the left hand side menu under “Appearance” click on “Widgets”.
  • Find the Text/Arbitrary html widget and drag it to your sidebar. Open it up and add the html code you just wrote into the box. Click “Save”.
  • Go to your blog home page and marvel in your genius. (or rip out your hair because something doesn’t look right)

Because you did such a great job and followed this post all the way to the bottom, I am going to reward you with the html code for a Facebook icon as well.

<a href=”http://www.facebook.com/yourfacebookinfo&#8221; title=”Like me”><img src=”http://www.yoururl.com/yourimage.png”></a&gt;

Good luck and happy blogging!

Kludgy Mom

I’m Cheating

16 Sep

Don’t get any funny ideas. I am not cheating on my husband. And, if I were, I would certainly NOT announce it on my blog. Ok?

I’m cheating on my homework. I’ve entered a blogging workshop put on by Kludgy Mom titled, “Back to School, Back to Blogging.” The writing assignment for the week is to write a post about my favorite plug-in that I use on my blog. For all you non-bloggers, a plug-in is a tool you use to make your blog function better, increase reader interaction, or to jazz it up. Basically plug-ins make blogs better. Well, my blog is hosted on WordPress.com and there aren’t any plug-ins for the dot com version, only the dot. org one.

So, I am going to write about something else useful. It’s going to have its own post though. Stay tuned!

Kludgy Mom

What’s in a Name?

2 Aug

I can’t believe it is already August. Where has the summer gone? Next month Emma starts pre-school. Well, technically it’s a “Two Year Old Pre-School Readiness Class.” Whatever. Twice a week, I will get to leave Emma for two hours so I can… well, that should leave me enough time to….. go to the post office?

I have been waiting for this since Emma was six weeks old. Oh yes, that’s when I put her on the freaking waiting list. I know, right? It seemed like as soon as she was born everyone was asking me if I had put her on The List. I would stare at my little swaddled bundle and think, “Pre-school?” I mean, I was barely about to make it to tomorrow and I had this to think about?

Apparently, I was supposed to do it while she was still in-utero like one of my amazing and beautiful girlfriends Kristen (I’m calling you out girl!). She literally signed up her darling boy when she was about eight months pregnant. I know this because I saw his name on The List. There it was, about ten rows up from Emma’s name, Connor: DOB- TBD. So, at six weeks old, Emma was already WAY behind. Just another item to add to my List of Things To Worry About.

Well, a couple of months ago I got the phone call I had been waiting for. The woman’s voice said, “Hi, this is so-and-so from school. Congratulations Mom, there is a spot available for Emma in our 11am toddler class. It’s not the most desirable time slot, but given her position on The List, this is a truly remarkable opportunity.” My first thought was, “I’m paying for her to go there, right? What’s with this congratulations business?” But, not wanting to compromise my daughter’s good fortune, I graciously accepted their generous offer. Insert eye roll here.

Then came the paperwork. OMG. There was a stack of it. Policies, procedures, medical information, emergency information, dress codes, conduct codes…. It went on and on. The last form I filled out had the most thought-provoking question and answer section- “How would you describe your toddler?”

I literally had to put the paper down and think about it for a couple of days. This was serious.  How do you describe a child who is part Fairy Princess, part Road Runner, and at least half Neanderthal without damaging her reputation? I had to really think long and hard about this one and use my words wisely. So here is how it went down.

Emma is an energetic (hyperactive) little girl. She is passionate (temperamental) and head-strong (stubborn). She is a real leader (bossy). Emma is also creative (dramatic) and artistic (sensitive). She has very high standards (picky) and can be tenacious (relentless) at times. She is particularly detail-oriented (anal). Finally, Emma is a spirited (intense) and delightful (she will charm the cookie right out of your hand) child. She will be a wonderful addition to the classroom.

This was a great exercise for me. It helped me realize that every personality trait has a flip-side. Yes, Emma’s energy levels can be exhausting. But you know what? She’s always ready to go out and have a good time. She inspires me to get out and do something fun every day. She can be really stubborn, but the girl knows what she wants. Who can blame her for that? Plus, I know that she will never get pushed around on the playground and she will always stand up for what is right.

Sometimes Emma makes me crazy because things always have to be her way and exactly how she wants them (I wonder where she gets that from?). It’s her tenacity and attention to details that assures me she will go far in life. But really, how seriously can you take it all when your three-foot little dictator is trying to boss you around while literally wearing nothing but Cinderella high heels and a tiara?

So, I am having a mini panic attack right now. As I was writing this, I realized that I never put Annie on The List! Ack! I was going to try to wrap this post up, but I need to call the school asap. Great. Annie can just add this to the list of things she will discuss with her therapist in 30 years.

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