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¿Cómo Se Dice “Rooster Sperm” en Español?

4 Mar

I had a- I don’t know- um…. interesting conversation with my neighbor Maria yesterday. She’s a lovely woman who is very vibrant and I always enjoy speaking with her. I use the term “speaking” loosely, as she speaks only Spanish and I probably have the vocabulary of a two year old Hispanic toddler. This is how the conversation went:

Maria: Oh, I see you have some chickens.

Me: Yes.

Maria: How many?

Me: Four.

Maria: Any roosters?

Me: No.

Maria: You don’t need a rooster anyway. Let the hens sit on the eggs so you can have babies. Don’t take the eggs out of the coop and eat them. The hens need to sit on them.

Me: No, no babies. Need rooster daddy for to make the babies.

Maria: No you don’t. You just have to let the hens sit on the eggs for a long time. The warmth from their bodies will make the babies come.

Me: No. The Rooster is the “papa”. You need the “papa” for to make the babies. “Mama” is of the lady chicken and “Papa” is of the rooster chicken.

Maria: I think you are wrong. My mother has chickens, tons of them actually, and they have babies.

Me: Is her chicken house one of the rooster?

Maria: Yes, but only because he is beautiful. He doesn’t make the babies.

Me: Oh, ok. It’s possible.

It’s times like these I wish my tenth grade Spanish teacher Mr. Merril had covered terms such as, “immaculate conception”, “fertilization”, and “chicken sex.” I so would have aced that class.

Top Ten Things My Baby Wants for Her First Birthday

24 Feb

Annie turns a year old on Saturday. I’m sure you are all asking yourselves, “What do I get the girl who has everyhing?” Well, you are so sweet to ask. To make it a little easier for you, I’ve compiled a list:

  1. A ledge upon which she can throw her body off of, which would result in her 87th near death experience, thus giving me yet another mild heart attack.
  2. My purse. But only if it’s filled with small coins, sticks of gum, and electronic devices.
  3. Handfulls of human hair. Preferably not attached to Emma’s head.
  4. Teeny tiny Barbie shoes and Polly Pocket accessories.
  5. An experimental surgery that would return her back to her original residence (aka: my womb).
  6. A pair of magical legs that help her keep up with the big kids at the park. Sort of like Forrest Gump’s, only way cooler and more stylish. Bonus points if they come in pink or purple.
  7. A drawer full of tupperware, hairbrushes, credit cards, cell phones, sunglasses (designer only please), old shoes, and magazines.
  8. A basket full of freshly folded laundry that she can tear apart.
  9. An apparatus that would permanently affix her to my right hip.
  10. A time machine that would allow me to relish in the very last moments of her babyhood before she turns into a full-blown walking and talking toddler. *tear*

What uncommon gifts would you purchase for a one year old?

This post can also be seen here at Rated by Mom.

Top Ten Worst Valentine’s Day Gifts

11 Feb
  1. Lingerie. We both know who this is really for, don’t we?
  2. A Puppy. Thanks Jerk-face. You basically just got me another baby. Except this one will never grow up. I guess that makes both of you.
  3. A box of chocolates from the drug store. Although, they might give me such a bad headache that I will actually have a legitimate reason to withhold sex.
  4. Anything intended for exercise (this includes yoga pants). This is a no-win situation.
  5. A gift certificate for a massage. Unless it comes with a gift certificate for a babysitter too.
  6. A romantic Facebook icon left on my wall. We’re not 13, ok?
  7. A stuffed animal. Like I need another one of those dust-collectors sitting around the house.
  8. Appliances. Unless it’s a robotic maid.
  9. Something that requires assembly (by me). Do I really need to explain this one?
  10. Nothing. Consider yourself warned.

What’s on your wish list this Valentine’s Day?

Top Ten Things That Are Cheaper Than Therapy

24 Jan

Photo courtesy of "The Far Side". 1. Wine. Unless you drink too much of it. Then you will have to pay extra for an emergency phone session.

2.Blogs and coffee.

3. A pair of jeans that make your ass look really great.

4. Naps.

5. Hiring someone to clean your house.

6. Looking up YouTube videos of baby hedgehogs.

7. A $15 dollar mani/pedi that includes a 10 minute massage (email me if you want the name of the place).

8. Dropping your toddler off at the Ikea babysitting room and then spending an hour reading a magazine in the cafeteria.

9. Watching the “American Idol” tryouts.

10. Google images of “awkward pregnancy pictures” – trust me.

What else is cheaper than therapy?

Five Ways to Meet Local Moms

14 Jan

Here is the most recent post for my column “Following the Yellow Brick Road” over at Coronado Patch. It is specific to the community, but you can easily insert your own local dwellings to get the same effect.

If you have time, leave a comment over there. I makes me look good. *wink, wink*

Have a great weekend everyone!

Five Ways to Meet Local Moms

One of my biggest sanity savers is my arsenal of mom friends. After Emma was born, and I finally woke from the haze (well, let’s be honest here—I’ll never fully recover from the lack of  sleep), I knew that if I was going to survive this thing called “motherhood,” I needed to get me a posse of mom friends. I’ll be the first one to say it, there are only so many rounds of peek-a-boo and hours spent roaming the aisles of Target that a person can take.

If you are finding yourself in the same situation, it’s time to take action. Now is the moment! C’set la vie, or whatever.

Here are some of the best ways I have met other moms. And yes, I have done every single one of these.

You can read more of this article here.

Indulgence

11 Jan

Indulgence means different things to different people. To me, it entails the following: Getting in bed at 8 o’clock, reading US Weekly front to back, and then perusing my favorite fashion and lifestyle blogs (and yes, I totally look like that when I read in bed- isn’t my life glamorous?).

That’s exactly what I did last night. Let me tell you: it was…. heaven. Yes- I may be into chickens, natural foods, and we don’t have TV, but I love me some fashion and celebrity gossip.

So instead of complaining about sleep or the baby’s most recent developmental milestones, I thought I would share some of the highlights from my evening. We all need a little more indulgence in our lives.

What does indulgence mean to you?

My Toddler Ate Something Green, and She Liked It!

4 Jan


This is a departure from my usual posts. I am going to give you all something very special. It’s a recipe. Not just any old recipe though. This is something I created all by myself. Not only that, but it is really easy to make and it seriously tastes amazing. Plus, you can freeze and re-heat it in a pinch. That is something surely everyone can appreciate.

But you want to know why this recipe is really, really special? My three year old ate it. And it contains a green vegetable. The baby even ate it too! That means the entire family ate the same green vegetable dish. I mean, I can’t even believe I’m giving my secret away for free.

I wish I had a picture for you guys. I went to take a shot of the leftovers I have in the fridge, but it had already been eaten. See? That’s how good it is! I won’t keep you waiting any longer.

Cheesy Broccoli Casserole ( aka: Green Food My Toddler Will Eat)

You will need:

  • 4 tablespoons butter
  • 4 tablespoons flour
  • 2 1/2 cups milk, heated (I use 2 percent)
  • Salt to taste
  • Freshly ground pepper to taste
  • 2 large bunches of broccoli cut into very small florets
  • 6 large russet potatoes (I’ve used red potatoes too and they were delicious- just use the equivalent weight) cut into 1/4 inch slices
  • 1/2 cup shredded cheddar cheese
  • 1/2 cup grated parmesean
  • A rectangular pan

Wash and prep all vegetables and cheese. Put the pan in an easy to reach place. You will need to move fast once the sauce is ready.

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Step 1: Make the bechamel sauce.

Melt the butter over medium heat in a heavy-bottomed saucepan. Stir in the flour and cook, stirring constantly, until a paste forms. Cook the paste until it bubbles a bit. This takes about 2 minutes. Don’t let the paste get brown though!

Add hot milk and continue to stir as the sauce thickens. Turn the heat to high and bring the mixture to a boil.

Lower the heat and cook. Keep stirring for 2 to 3 minutes more. Add the salt and pepper to taste while you are stirring.

Remove the pan from the heat.

The sauce is ready. Now move fast!

Step 2: Assemble the casserole.

Place a layer of potatoes in the bottom of your baking dish.

Next, add a layer of broccoli. It’s ok if the potato layer is peeking through. It all ends up in the same place eventually.

Ladle the bechamel sauce on top of the broccoli. It does not need to completely cover the broccoli. It shouldn’t even mostly cover it. The sauce will melt and cover everything during the baking process.

Repeat another layer starting with the potatoes.

After your second layer has been assembled, sprinkle the shredded cheddar over the partially assembled casserole.

Continue layering until you run out of ingredients or you reach the top of the pan. This usually happens around the fourth layer.

Top with the parmesan cheese.

Helpful tip: If the bechamel sauce gets thick on you, whisk in a little water. This will thin it out.

Cover with foil and bake for 45 minutes. After 45 minutes, remove the foil and bake another 10 minutes. You should be able to easily stick a knife through the casserole. Remove the pan from the oven and let it sit for 15 minutes before serving.

The directions I gave you are for a double batch, which serves about 8 people. We eat half and freeze the rest. I reheat it at 350 until it is bubbling. Then I let it sit for 15 minutes before serving.

I hope your family enjoys this recipe as much as mine does!

Now back to the regularly scheduled posting….

Peace Out 2010

1 Jan

Happy New Year everyone! How are you all feeling today? Hungover? Tired? Or totally well rested because you can’t get a sitter on New Year’s Eve and the thought of staying out until all hours of the night and then getting up at 6am with a champagne hangover to take care of two kids makes you feel suicidal so you went to a kid’s party where your husband got totally hammered and ended up sleeping on the couch and then to make up for it he watched the kids all morning so you could sleep in?

Did you all make New Year’s resolutions? My husband and I did something a little differently this year. Usually, we each make three resolutions for ourselves and hope one will stick. This year, we each made three for each other.

I know what you are all thinking, “Sounds risky.” Oh, it is. We had a few ground rules though: 1. No cheap shots, 2. Something totally do-able, and 3. It had to be fun and lighthearted. I want to share the results with you:

My Resolutions for My Husband in 2011

  1. Complain less about the computer.
  2. Complain less (do you notice a trend here?) about the route I take to get to the freeway.
  3. Make a family dinner twice a month.

My Husband’s Resolutions for Me in 2011

  1. More “date nights” (we all know what that means).
  2. TBD
  3. TBD

He totally left me hanging on the other two. I’m going to give him a chance to take a nap, a shower, and eat a burrito so he can get his head together enough to finish the rest.

I also cheated a little and decided to give myself three personal goals for 2011. Here they are:

  1. Pay better attention to my Google Reader.
  2. Go to bed one hour earlier.
  3. Get some chickens.

The last one is going to be quite a challenge. I’ve been thinking about it for so long that it’s about time I actually moved forward with the idea. Plus, it’s not just about having chickens. It’s about doing something that seems like a lot of hard work and that I know nothing about, and stretching myself to learn and grow. If all else fails, I’m sure this little experiment is bound to make for good blog material.

Peace out 2010- don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

What are some of the resolutions you made this year?

Ten Ways to Rock in the New Year With Kids

30 Dec

Here is my most recent post for Rated by Mom:

Ever since I became a parent New Year’s Eve has been kind of a bust. My husband and I are lucky enough to have both sets of parents living in town, and normally they are more than willing to babysit for us. Well on New Year’s Eve, all bets are off. That is the one night a year that our homebody parents have a night out on the town.

I suppose we could try to find a babysitter, but who is going to watch our kids until two in the morning? And honestly, the thought of staying out until all hours of the night and then waking up at 6am to take care of an infant and toddler sounds terrible. I don’t think there is anything worth putting myself through that kind of torture.

Instead of staying in and calling it a night, we are planning doing something a little different this year. We are still going to rock in the New Year, but in a kid friendly way. Yes, we will probably be doing the countdown hours before our own clock strikes twelve, but it will be midnight somewhere.

So here are 10 Ways to Rock in the New Year With Kids:

1. Make festive paper streamers. Tape crepe paper, ribbon, or strips of construction paper to empty rolls of toilet paper.

2. Set off indoor fireworks. Ok, not really. Make use of your leftover Christmas bubble wrap by placing the bubble wrap on the ground. When the clock strikes 12, everyone jumps and stomps on the bubble wrap, creating a popping effect.

3. Do a treasure hunt. Write wishes for the New Year or words of wisdom on pieces of paper. Attach chocolate coins or candies to the papers and hide them around the house. This is something that children of all ages can enjoy.

4. Dress to impress. Bust out the dress-ups, sequins, and hats. Even old Halloween gear will do. It’s hard to deny the party power of a great costume.

5. Make some noise. Fill empty water bottles with beans or corn kernels. Decorate the outside with tissue paper, stickers, streamers, and glitter. Shake away.

6. Save a moment in time by creating a time capsule. Have each family member place a token inside an empty shoe box. Write down what each person contributed and why it is meaningful to them. Then decorate the outside of the box- don’t forget to write down the year. Also, don’t put anything in there that your kids will miss too much. You can save the box until next year or until your kids are much older. My parents did this when I was 10, and we opened ours last year. It was so much fun.

7. Toast the New Year with a “Champagne” cocktail. Combine a 12 ounce bottle of white grape juice, 1 6-oz can of frozen lemonade concentrate (thawed), a 12-oz can of lemon lime soda (chilled), and 1 16-oz package of frozen strawberries (thawed and blended). Pour into fancy glasses or paper cups that have been decorated.

8. Dine in style. Personal pizzas are a fun and easy activity that the entire family can eat. You can buy pre-made dough at some grocery stores, or make your own. Fill small bowls with various ingredients and let your kids decorate their own pizzas. The kids can decorate paper plates with markers while the pizzas are cooking. Serve the pizza on the plates.

9. Get cozy. Build a fire and make a tent with some sheets. Gather as many pillows and comforters as you can find a build a giant family bed inside your tent. Turn off the lights and enjoy the light from the fire, or get out some flashlights for fun in the dark.

10. Bake a New Year’s cake. I recommend using the “Funfetti” cake mix and frosting. Pick up extra sprinkles and sparkly candles. Light the candles and blow them out at the stroke of midnight. Eat and enjoy.

I hope everyone has a rocking New Year’s Eve! Happy New Year!

How are you planning on rocking in the New Year?

The original post can be seen here at Rated by Mom.

Wordless Wednesday- Ice Queen

29 Dec

My in-laws took us ice skating on Christmas Day. We are fortunate enough to live within minutes of a beachside resort that does an annual outdoor ice rink bordering the sand. It’s a pretty amazing experience to skate “on the beach”. Emma had the time of her life. And yes, she’s wearing a helmet. That’s how we roll.


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